Life + Depression + Confession = Praise

Shocked?  I know, this post is coming uncommonly quickly after the last one, and if I'm honest I have to say:  Don't get used to it :)

My friend Rushy (love you) posted this LINK to her facebook page today.  I read the article and found it very insightful and interesting.  Its very short so if you have time check it out.  Basically the article reveals that stay-at-home-moms tend to be more depressed than working moms.  The article gives some good insight into why this is, but doesn't touch on something I think is really important.
I think one of the biggest reasons stay-at-home moms experience unhappiness is their constant comparison to the other stay-at-home mamas on the block.  With the advancements in technology these comparisons are easily available at every turn.  Facebook, TV, blogs, pinterest, youtube, email, twitter, even sites I love like mormon.org can all be avenues to the miserable land of COMPARISONVILLE.  We collect pieces of people from all these places and construct the perfect woman:  She is thin, always in cute hair, makeup and clothing, she cooks nutrious and delicious meals for her family (becuase she loves them, and if you heat up corndogs one night you are a monster), her children are well behaved AND stylish.  She has a designer blog, and everything in her house is the result of a fabulously successful DIY project, she hosts play groups and darling birthday parties, she is never out of control, cranky or on her period, keeps a journal, has her own etsy shop and ALWAYS likes her children and her husband.  Lets get real for a minute...ready?....this woman does not exist (its ok to cry if you need to).  She is fake, made up, a figment of your insane mommy imagination.  Are there people that do some of those things well?  Of course, I do a couple of those things well...but for the sake of sisterhood, honesty and morale I want to confess a few things:
My life is not perfect.
My life is sometimes REALLY not perfect.
Until recently we ate frozen pizza once a week.
My house is messy...most of the time, not some of the time or once in a while....mostly (unless you are coming for dinner.).
I have raised my voice at my 6 month old (I know, gasp all you want.).
I have wondered what life would be like if I had married rich, or been born an heiress  :)
There are days I never get dressed...or shower.
I have spoken unkindly behind someone's back. (I'm cringing as I type this one)
When I see a really beautiful woman I think "If I could have her body, I would be happier."
One time I had 2 cookies, a piece of cake and chocolate milk for breakfast.
I hate to exercise....every single minute of it...hate, anger, loathing.
Seeing other people be better than me at something that I wanted to be the best at bothers me.
I have insecurities.

This article sites isolation as a leading cause for stay-at-home mommy blues, but its more than just being physically isolated.  Its the emotional and mental isolation we create as we compare ourselves to those outside ourselves.  If Cindy's daughter wins the science fair does that somehow drain the world of happiness that I could be experiencing?  Just because Linda is beautiful doesn't mean God gave me all the ugliness he didn't give her.  My house does not get messier if Sherry's gets cleaner.  I venture that if we started praising and loving people for their strengths instead of resenting, envying and secretly wanting the pipes in their basement to burst we would be happier!  Yes siree, genuine happiness for others is just that...genuine happiness!  (A lesson I am still learning)

So my proposed solution to this comparison madness is as follows:  Women of the world lets be real with each other.  Lets help each other, lets encourage each other, and lets be ok in who we are, ok in OUR best efforts, not someone else's.  Believing that we are of value and that we have goodness to give is a good way of life.  Two of the best talks I have ever heard on the subject are by Jeffrey R. Holland here and Dieter F. Uchtdorf here.

So here is my good vibe challenge:  Sincerely (and without envy) praise 5 other people today (they don't have to be mothers, oh and if you're a man you can praise some people too.), and THEN praise yourself for something you do well. 
Me?  I make a mean frozen pizza, and can do the wave with my eyebrows...so I'm doin' alright.

Life + AVENGERS + Graduation = Spit Up

Before we left for the midnight showing of The Avengers (yes, we attended the midnight showing...duh.)  Austin told Calvin, "Son, next time you see me I will have seen The Avengers and I will be a changed man."  Two of my sisters came with us (Jessica and Haley) and Jessica brought her fiance.  They all live in Provo, but they thought the drive up was worth seeing the movie with Austin (duh).  Austin's parents were in town because the next day Austin was graduating, so they came as well.  Austin pulled out his collection of t-shirts and let us each choose a different character, and then he ironed them all for us (duh).  We looked pretty stylin' don't you think?

Well we thought the movie was AWESOME.  There were several gasps, ooohs, aaaahs, and cheers from Austin throughout.  At the very end when they revealed the new villian, Austin yelled it for the whole theatre to hear.  He was probably one of three people in the theatre who knew who it was :)  I was so proud.  Austin told me afterward that it rocked his world.  A few of my favorite quotes from the evening were:

(Speaking of the new villian)  "Oh yeah, he is really bad to the bone.  I wouldn't be surprised if he thrashes Hulk in the next movie."

(As Hulk and Thor are fighting Loki together) "Oh, OH!  What a great shot of them, oh wow, so great!"

"I liked that they showed what a genius Bruce Banner is.  He and Tony Stark are really brilliant.  Banner probably just a little smarter than Stark....welll, well I don't know, they are probably about equal.  The smartest in the Marvel world is Mr. Fantastic (he is from the Fantastic Four, in case you were wondering....which I'm sure you were.)."

If you want to come see a hero movie with Austin I am going to start charging an extra fee...he is that entertaining, plus you get all the cool back stories and details.   Maybe we will hold a lecture series in our home the week after each new hero movie. 

The next morning Austin graduated with his Master's Degree in Choral Conducting from the University of Utah.  WE ARE SO PROUD OF HIM!!! 

I really wanted Calvin to wear a graduation outfit so Austin could carry him across the stage.  The idea of this made Austin nervous:

"No, everyone will be looking at me.  I don't like being the center of attention."

"I know honey, but if you are holding the baby then no one will be looking at you, they will all be looking at the baby."

"Yes, but what if he spits up or drools on me?  What will I do then?"

"You could take a spit up rag with you just in case."

"Oh no, that would be awful."

"Well, alright, but I want lots of pictures afterward."

I ended up sewing Calvin's outfit, so if any of you ever want to borrow it just let me know. 

Calvin and Master Thorpe



Grandma and Grandpa Thorpe

Mini Graduate



I wrote last time about how our son drools all the time.  In his defense he did cut his first tooth last week!  In addition to drooling he also spits up without warning quite often, I mean hours after he has eaten.  So Austin's concern that Calvin would spit up on him while he was walking across the stage, wasn't without merit.  Just to show you what I mean here is a VERY short video I shot today by accident.



Sorry I can't rotate it...I tried for over an hour and a half to do so, with no luck.  Don't worry I wasn't cranky at all. 

Life + Pre-Avengers + Drool = The Beacon of Love

As most of you know (ok probably maybe not most, or even half...but some of you surely do) the new Avengers movie comes out this weekend.  True to form we have tickets for the midnight showing.  Austin has been reading all the sneak peek reviews and is more excited than a... (insert your favorite cliche here), well something that is very excited about something else.  Stay posted for my report on that experience.  I just wanted you to be anticipating that for this week.  See, now you're as excited as a.... (you get the idea).

Our son has an extraordinary gift.  He is the baby equivalent of Niagra Falls.  He drools...a lot.  He is constantly wet, and this fact above ALL other baby facts is the most disturbing to his father. 
Austin:  Why does he drool so much?  Is that normal?
Nicole:  Yes, I think its very normal.
Austin:  Why don't you ever hear about it?  Why don't people tell you about this?  I think he has a problem. 
Nicole: I don't think there's a problem.  Drool is one of the more harmless aspects of baby life honey, that's probably why people don't spread warnings about it.
Austin:  No, this is just ugck!  When does this end!?
Nicole:  Well, its worse when babies teethe, so maybe he's getting teeth.
Austin:  Ok, then I'll just hold him when he has teeth.
Nicole:  Lovely.
There are many things that catch you off guard as a parent.  For example, just below drool on the anxiety-raising-meter is the GIANT bald spot that encompasses the back of our baby's head.  "Are you sure that's normal?"....

I have 2 sisters getting married this summer.  Austin and I were talking about these wonderful happenings, and we were musing over specifics in the couple's relationships, for example:
My sister Jessica and her fiance served in the same LDS mission.  As her fiance was leaving, his mission president suggested he go home and "date Sister Beckstrand". 
My sister Kate did her student teaching in D.C. for 4 months while engaged etc.
Austin:  I still trump all.
Nicole:  What?
Austin:  I trump them all, I am the beacon of love.  Unless they did what I did, I trump.  
Nicole:  Yes you do sweetheart, you are the beacon.  
My sweet husband waited for me while I served my 18 month LDS mission.  He wrote me a letter every single week.  He emailed me every single week. He didn't go on a single date.  He went to dinner at my parents every other Sunday.  He moved home the summer of 2008 so he could save all his money for my dream ring.  He purchased my engagement ring the day I got home.  We were engaged 8 days later...yes he IS the Beacon of Love, the Trump Card. 

Hmmm, do either of those make good super hero names?? 

Life + Weight Loss + Motherhood Rant = Times New Roman

I am about to begin (yet again) to lose weight.  On a serious note, I really struggle in this department.  I mean, I have three sisters who are all quite thin and gorgeous and I'm kinda chubby.  However, no matter what kinds of things I try I tend to lose focus and drive after about a month.  Its not that it isn't important to me, losing weight and feeling good about myself are really important to me...so why don't I stick with it?  I have no idea.  It is a mystery that i have been trying to sort out for years.  This time, my cousin is going to help me (she's a fitness coach, trainer person) and I've invested in the work out DVD's and diet ideas.  I start Monday.  I tried to take my before pictures this morning (I couldn't do it myself very well so I will need to enlist someone to help me), and I just cried!!  It was a moment of sheer disappointment in myself and a sense of my pending doom at yet another attempt to reclaim my body.  However, after I let myself feel those emotions (I'm a fan of working through the proper emotions...I'm kind of a hippie that way...) I committed.  I'm in.  So to the blogging world:  I am accountable!! (Insert Braveheart-esque scream hear)

I sometimes have differing political views, depeding upon the issue.  I hope that I would call out wrong wherever I saw it, no matter what side of the political see-saw it sat on...so that being said:  There has been an accusation running around about Ann Romney and the fact that she has never worked outside her home:  "Never worked a day in her life" I believe is the accusation that supposedly implies that her husband can't relate to the working women of America and that Ann and the Romney family are out of touch with reality.  Well, here is what I have to say about that:
I believe that the propelling force behind societal progression and individual achievement is LOVE.  Hear me out!  Don't turn of yet.  This love comes in as many forms as there are people:  Love of fame, love of money, love of oneself (not necessarily in a negative sense here) which promotes a desire to be better and achieve all that you can, love of others (a sincere desire to make a positive difference in the lives of those around you).  Sometimes the 'driving love' is more abstract: love of adveture, love of a challenge, love of hard work and reward.  Having said that, now here is the kicker, the power of LOVE can be reliably measureed 100% of the time by one thing....sacrifice.  How much are you willing to sacrifice for the object of your affection?  How much do you really LOVE?  Motherhood (this could easily be parenthood, as men make valuable contributions in the home) is the nitty gritty of sacrifice folks.  Everyone has a mother, if you love your mother somethin' fierce its probably becuase she sacrificed for you (thus showing her love for you and providing you with life's necessities and open doors).  If you have severe issues with your mother I would venture (though I don't claim to know everything) that the root of the problem is sacrifice, or the amount of love you feel from her.  So good or bad, we take our lessons of love from mommy and go out into the world with that love.  That love is woven into everything we do, transferred onto everything we touch, passed through the words we speak, and the sacrifices WE ourselves make.  So please don't tell me that Ann Romney has never "worked" a day in her life, please don't tell me that this woman is out of touch with the nitty gritty relalities of life.  If you grew up without a mother you may know better than anyone what I'm talking about.  I am in no way discounting women who are not mothers I think the principles of love and sacrifice apply just as much to them.  I am in no way discounting career women, I applaud women who achieve greatness in the work place, chances are they had a few people (maybe even a mother) supporting and encouraging them who never achieved epic "greatness" in the world.  I think we all just need a little more LOVE in our handling of each other :)  That is all. 
 
Austin just finished having his auditions for his high school choirs.  I was helping him go through his forms last night when I noticed something:
"Austin the font on these audition forms is very curly and cutesy.  You didn't pick this font did you?"
"Oh, no I just used the old form (from the previous teacher), made some small changes and printed it out."
"Ok, becuase if you were a font you would not be this font."
"No, I would be Times New Roman, yep I'm a Times New Roman kind of guy."
"So next year will your audition forms be in Times New Roman?"
"Yep."
This got me thinking, what font would I be?  So I went into Word this morning made some self-discoveries.  There were several I really liked so I chose them all.  Now, for your viewing pleasure I present: 

Nicole: An Examination Through Font

DJ Chunky- For when I feel fun, and chunky (in a good, I have curves and so my personality has them too, kind of way), I'm ready to party in this font.

Harrington- I'm in love with this font, slightly fancy, yet relatable, you can't hate "Harrington" because its not just high class its also a font of the people.

Kristen ITC- This is a slightly toned down version of Chunky.  For when I feel like being fun, but in a- lets rent a movie and have a picnic on the living room floor kind of way.

Monotype Corsiva- Everyone needs a little mystery in their lives.  This is my mystery mood font for when pretending to be a captive princess forced to work in a large gothic type manor, never seeing the Master of the house, as he is always hiding in the shadows is more fun than simply doing my dishes and scrubbing the toilet as Nicole.

Papyrus- I am artistic and want to be taken seriously as an artist.  I would use this font to make elaborate unrealistic wish lists of interior decorating touches, and DIY headboards, and edgey accessories.  Nothing gets those sharp, crisp and clean creative juices flowing like this guy.

Vivaldi-  For those overly romantic times, like the opera, anniversary dinners, and tea parties.

Forte- I'm mad at you and want you to feel it in the bold, jagged, careless lines of this font.  I am grouchy, PMS ridden, overly tired, terribly hungry and, in general, feeling scorned by life.  It is a rare and horrifyingly magnificent thing to see the 'Forte' Nicole.

Centaur- I am professional and serious right now, we are discussing things I feel strongly about or things that require a sincere direct approach.  Appropriate uses for this font would be: lovingly disciplining my children, talking to the teller at the bank, politely complaining about unsatisfactory service, or products recieved at a store, or when negotiating the release of 37 hostages from the hands of Hungarian mobsters...(Monotype Corsiva sneaks in!!)

 

 

Life + 26 + Vulnerable = 'Say Anything'

"Do or do not, there is no try." -Yoda
I now ask the universal force to forgive me for my absence the last several weeks.  That is all. 

My birthday was this month.  I was talking to Austin one night about the monumental meaning of turning the 'BIG 2-6'. 
"Honey, I'm going to be 26.  That's so crazy.  I feel like every birthday has felt good, comfortable like putting on a new sweater, that fits perfectly, but not this one.  This one feels too big, like it drowns me.  I'm going to be in my late twenties!"
"No, Nicole.  26 is still mid-twenties.  21, 22, 23 are all early twenties, 24, 25, 26 are mid-twenties and 27, 28, 29 are all late twenties."
"Oh, well its still the 'BIG 2-6'!"
"No, no you can't say the 'BIG 2-6' its not one of the big ones.
After that I didn't refer to my new age as anything but the 'BIG 2-6'.  It still feels big. B-I-G!  Austin made me birthday dinner, and got me tickets to a play for this Friday night.  He is my density. 

Last week Austin came home late from work and he sat on the couch with his fingers intertwined behind his head.  I reached to hug him and he recoiled quickly, "I'm in a vulnerable position, I can't defend myself."  "Defend yourself against my hug?"  "No, I just need space for a minute."  "Fine there will be no hugging."  "I love your hugs, I just want my hands free when I receive them."  "That sounds very suspicious of you...are you suspicious of my hugs?"  "Sometimes they come very quickly." "Oh, well alright"...(the following silence is me going in for the hug in slow motion)
.................................................................................................................................................................
  
Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to watch a certain movie.  We've all experienced this:  "Do you want to watch 'UP'?"  "No I'm not in the mood for that one, maybe an action movie or suspense thriller."  You get the idea.  Austin and I have this conversation occasionally on the weekend when deciding what movie to watch.  However, there is one movie I have been trying to get him to watch for over two years, and he is never 'in the mood' for it.  Its a gem of an 80's flick starring John Cusack (my 80's boyfriend).  Its probably considered a romantic comedy, its mostly just quirky and wonderful, but romances don't usually deter Austin.  He's great to watch romantic movies with me.
"When are you going to be in the mood for 'Say Anything'?"
"I don't know!  Its like 'National Treasure' I wasn't interested in watching that movie for like five years, and then when I finally watched it I really liked it."
"So.....if you watch this one you'll probably really like it!"
"Not if I'm not in the mood for it."
"That makes no sense."
So this weekend when we go to pick a movie, I will suggest 'Say Anything' (as I always do), and Austin will decline 'Say Anything' (as he always does), and the consistency of our marriage will survive, yet another weekend, slow motion hugs and all.    

Life + Mattress + Injuries = Pills

Austin and I blew our entire tax return this year.  Don't let the connotations of "blew" throw you, we carefully considered our options, this was no reckless purchase or impulse buy.  However, "blew" also brings to mind phrases such as: all in, nothing left to lose, the whole kit and caboodle (whatever this references??).  So yes, in the connotation that we used ALL of it...we did.  What did we buy?  A mattress.  Not just any mattress, the mother of all mattresses, a Tempurpedic.  The answer to your question is yes, it was absolutely worth it.  Austin came home from work on Wednesday (delivery day) and kissed our mattress.  Yes, the mattress got a kiss before I did, but after sleeping on it I really can't fault him.  Austin did his research and we laid on several models before deciding.  Mattress shopping is super awkward.  The sales people just stand there at the end of the bed watching you lay on it.  I had a friend once tell me that his biggest fear was waking up to find someone in his room watching him sleep...he should not go mattress shopping.  I should text him now while I'm thinking about it.

Austin is always telling me to be careful.  These warnings are especially prevalent when I'm cooking, cutting, lifting or climbing something.  He has this odd nervousness about me with knives, and he goes to great lengths to keep me from the iron (I burned myself both times I attempted it last year, yep, that's about how often I iron.).  I used to tell him when I would hurt myself (i.e. "Austin I fell down the stairs today." "Austin I cut my finger with the scissors today."  "Austin, I burned my face with my hair straightener today.") but his reaction was always the same.  He would get this very concerned yet severe look on his face (this will be one of his strongest parenting tools, I assure you.) and asks, "Why?  Why did you do that sweetheart?"  What am I suppose to say to that (i.e. "Well I just wanted to see if I still knew how to fall down the stairs."  "Well I couldn't think of a better way to sharpen the scissors." "I figured the heat in from the straightener would help to open my pores.")??  It makes me feel silly when I don't have any response for his loving question.  So now I just keep my injuries to myself...i.e. yesterday I slammed my baby toe on the corner of the door frame.  I just wanted to teach my toe to be a little tougher.

Injury and illness are different things, but I seem to have my share of both.  Any time my eczema acts up, or my heartburn kicks in, or I have any sort of symptom for longer than a day Austin always wants to know: "Isn't there a pill they can give you for that?"  "Have you taken a pill for that?"  "Do you have pills for that?" IF ONLY.  Is your house too messy?  We have a pill for that!!  Heavy snowfall on the driveway?  We have a pill for that!!  This last week I got shingles again...for the fourth time.  Freak of Nature?  I prefer: Medical Miracle.  Luckily, when my little spots started to appear I was ahead of the game...I have pills for that. 

Life + Valentines + 2 WEEKS! = Rolling Over



Calvin wearing his Valentines outift, sorry son :)



It was Valentines this week!!  Austin and I celebrated on Monday (Austin teaches at the college on Tuesday nights).  I had gone to the dollar store and purchased many wonderfully cheesey decorations.  The kitchen looked awesome.  My mom watched the babe while Austin and I made BBQ chicken pizza in the shape of a heart.  We had Ben and Jerry over for dessert (Red Velvet Cake flavor), and then we decided to watch a movie because: A- we have this big new tv.  B- We haven't yet watched all our blu-rays and C- without the baby home we could use the volume instead of the subtitles.  So what did we watch on blu-ray at full volume?  Harry Potter 7 part 2.  Very romantic.  I got him a loaf of Cinnamon bread from Great Harvest ("I loaf you") A recording of all of Beethoven's symphonies ("I symphony must have you") some homemade treats ("You are the sweetest") and some honey roasted peanuts ("I'm nuts about you"...are you nauseous yet?  Oh how I love it!!).  Austin is such a good sport and is sure to comment on all my preparations.  What a guy.  I got some beautiful flowers, and Tangled (you guessed it..on blu-ray).  On Tuesday (the real thing) I had a tea party with the gals (thank you Haley K. for the tea sets).  We had hot chocolate with mix-ins and party punch.  We had tea treats and of course floppy hats were worn by all.  SO FUN!!

Austin and I had our first parenting disagreement this last week.  Austin was explaining to Calvin that he needed to start going to bed earlier because when he gets older he will need to get up early in the morning for school.  I then told Calvin that if on a few ocassions he were really tired I would let him sleep in.  
Austin: "No, no.  You can't do that."
Nicole: "Why not?  I slept through my first few periods a couple times in High School, especially my senior year.  My mom was ok with it."
Austin:  What!?  How many times did you do that?"
Nicole:  "I don't know maybe like ten or something."
Austin:   "Ten times?!!  That is 2 WEEKS of school Nicole...TWO WEEKS!"
Nicole:  "I didn't skip school, I just slept in."
Austin:  "Two weeks....Calvin you need to go to bed."
So our child may or may not sleep in when he is older.  I suppose whichever parent is at home during the day will just make the call....oh wait....

Calvin has successfully learned to roll from his stomach onto his back.  He can't reverse it yet.  The same thing that aids his tummy-to-back roll really hinders the opposite...his huge head.  Don't get me wrong...its the cutest huge head I've ever seen, but it is rather large.  The day he started doing it I hurried and grabbed the camera to film it.  My child, who is a genius, waited for me to get ready before unveiling his trick.  How do I know he's a genius?  I have the footage to prove it.  Right on cue.