Shocked? I know, this post is coming uncommonly quickly after the last one, and if I'm honest I have to say: Don't get used to it :)
My friend Rushy (love you) posted this LINK to her facebook page today. I read the article and found it very insightful and interesting. Its very short so if you have time check it out. Basically the article reveals that stay-at-home-moms tend to be more depressed than working moms. The article gives some good insight into why this is, but doesn't touch on something I think is really important.
I think one of the biggest reasons stay-at-home moms experience unhappiness is their constant comparison to the other stay-at-home mamas on the block. With the advancements in technology these comparisons are easily available at every turn. Facebook, TV, blogs, pinterest, youtube, email, twitter, even sites I love like mormon.org can all be avenues to the miserable land of COMPARISONVILLE. We collect pieces of people from all these places and construct the perfect woman: She is thin, always in cute hair, makeup and clothing, she cooks nutrious and delicious meals for her family (becuase she loves them, and if you heat up corndogs one night you are a monster), her children are well behaved AND stylish. She has a designer blog, and everything in her house is the result of a fabulously successful DIY project, she hosts play groups and darling birthday parties, she is never out of control, cranky or on her period, keeps a journal, has her own etsy shop and ALWAYS likes her children and her husband. Lets get real for a minute...ready?....this woman does not exist (its ok to cry if you need to). She is fake, made up, a figment of your insane mommy imagination. Are there people that do some of those things well? Of course, I do a couple of those things well...but for the sake of sisterhood, honesty and morale I want to confess a few things:
My life is not perfect.
My life is sometimes REALLY not perfect.
Until recently we ate frozen pizza once a week.
My house is messy...most of the time, not some of the time or once in a while....mostly (unless you are coming for dinner.).
I have raised my voice at my 6 month old (I know, gasp all you want.).
I have wondered what life would be like if I had married rich, or been born an heiress :)
There are days I never get dressed...or shower.
I have spoken unkindly behind someone's back. (I'm cringing as I type this one)
When I see a really beautiful woman I think "If I could have her body, I would be happier."
One time I had 2 cookies, a piece of cake and chocolate milk for breakfast.
I hate to exercise....every single minute of it...hate, anger, loathing.
Seeing other people be better than me at something that I wanted to be the best at bothers me.
I have insecurities.
This article sites isolation as a leading cause for stay-at-home mommy blues, but its more than just being physically isolated. Its the emotional and mental isolation we create as we compare ourselves to those outside ourselves. If Cindy's daughter wins the science fair does that somehow drain the world of happiness that I could be experiencing? Just because Linda is beautiful doesn't mean God gave me all the ugliness he didn't give her. My house does not get messier if Sherry's gets cleaner. I venture that if we started praising and loving people for their strengths instead of resenting, envying and secretly wanting the pipes in their basement to burst we would be happier! Yes siree, genuine happiness for others is just that...genuine happiness! (A lesson I am still learning)
So my proposed solution to this comparison madness is as follows: Women of the world lets be real with each other. Lets help each other, lets encourage each other, and lets be ok in who we are, ok in OUR best efforts, not someone else's. Believing that we are of value and that we have goodness to give is a good way of life. Two of the best talks I have ever heard on the subject are by Jeffrey R. Holland here and Dieter F. Uchtdorf here.
So here is my good vibe challenge: Sincerely (and without envy) praise 5 other people today (they don't have to be mothers, oh and if you're a man you can praise some people too.), and THEN praise yourself for something you do well.
Me? I make a mean frozen pizza, and can do the wave with my eyebrows...so I'm doin' alright.
At the midnight showing of Wolverine
Austin has his serious hero face on
I LOVED your honesty! It helps everyone. I was having a conversation with a friend who felt that the LDS expectation of perfection was a cause of unhappiness and wrote her this: Is the expectation of perfectionism really the culprit to blame for people’s hidden unhappiness? That puts the responsibility on others and relieves us of the burden of honest self examination. Isn’t perfection really just taking the next step forward each day instead of giving in to side ways or backwards? The courage to try again, the humility of admitting where we really are and doing something about it? Maybe to be more flayingly open, its more about our own willingness to be humbly honest. ‘ No my son didn’t make the honor roll, in fact he’s failing math. Welcome to my messy home – I’m struggling with getting out of bed today, but I did. I’m kind of sad today. I’d like to be better at managing my money.’ It seems that protecting our ‘image’ is more of the problem than expecting ourselves to move forward, to become more, to be more. If the image we want to project is different than what we actually are, therein lies the problem. And whose problem is that? If we are humble and honest enough, willing to be seen as we actually are, we are truly free. No pretending, no competition about being more than the next person. But also not excusing ourselves from the responsibility of taking our own next step forward. Then, instead of begrudging the good that we see in others’ lives, we can celebrate anyone’s steps forward. Including our own! ‘Welcome to my life. Here I am. Truly free’.
ReplyDeleteI love this Anne! I'm going to share it on my next post, the first week of June. Thank you!!
DeleteThanks for sharing your insights! I always learn so much from you Nicole. I hope that in time I won't have to work so hard not to compare myself to my made up "perfect woman". Thanks for the motivation to keep trying!
ReplyDeleteTorie you are the perfect woman :) I hope you are doing well with your new baby! Its a whole new ballgame...but still a very fun one.
DeleteI couldn't agree more. I still beat myself over the head every day about how messy my house is. (Although, this might not be a comparison thing as much as a health code violation.) We do all have to come to a point where we are happy with who we are and we find joy in doing what we want to do, and not just doing things because that's what all the really great moms do. And, stay-at-motherhood is not a party. Most days it is a lot of sacrifice and work and constant, bone-aching fatigue.
ReplyDeleteI know you think your house is always messy, but its never as bad as you think :) Mine is, but yours isn't. I think the fact that there are no promotions, or incentives (aside from sweet slobbery kisses and sweet baby faces...ok so there are some incentives) to motherhood makes in challenging because you really have to dig down deep and find validation from inside yourself. Internal satisfaction and joy in what your doing...some days I find it and other days I don't, but I won't give up that struggle for consistency because eventually being internally satisfied is going to make all the difference.
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